THE FOLLOWING WAS WRITTEN DURING THE SUMMER OF MY “DISCONTENT” IF YOU WILL. THE TONE IS SOMBER & BITTER, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I FEEL NOW, FILLED WITH PROMISE & HOPE…I SHARE THE FOLLOWING ONLY TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE EACH HAVE OUR STORMY NIGHTS BUT WE MUST ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO THE MORNING THAT PROMISES LIGHT & SHELTER….STAY TUNED FOR MORE DETAILS REGARDING MY SUDDEN ABOUT FACE FROM HUGE DOUBT TO A GRAIN OF FAITH ABLE TO MOVE MOUNTAINS :)
GOD: Fact or Fiction
To whomever finds this:
If you are my family, I am sorry.
If you were a friend, I am sorry.
If you ever wanted to know who I was but I was too scared to let you in,
I am sorry.
Because this is how my life has been
Numb inside
Cry inside
No one will know the fears I hide
Hurting
Aching
No body will know the power of ignoring
Simply wanted to fit into your expectations
Wanted to belong into your idealizations
Of who I knew I could never be
The real person you’ll never get to see
I had big dreams
I had big hopes
But I always heard “NO”
“Don’t aim high” is what I was taught
Forced to stay in a nest
So high on top the highest tree I rest
Never learned to spread my wings
Tragic as a bird that never sings
Tried on God for size
Jesus at my right hand side
Now when I needed them desperately
I feel abandoned & more than lonely
Ready to say goodbye now
Unless you can argue
That I am worthy enough
To live MY life, and not for you
All my living years were built on compromises
My inability to risk it all based on honor & culture as disguises
I’m now tired of it all
Want to end it all
Unless you can stop me
Unless you can love me
The way I was meant to be loved
The words that I’ve heard
The words that I’ve read
Most have been harsh, critical, & judgmental
I’m not saying anything specific
Just saying my life has been non-distinct
What have I done
What have I accomplished
What good have I offered
To the needy or impoverished
For I am one of these people
And I thought by giving hope
I’d heal myself
Only to find life has a cruel way
Of putting old useless things on a forgotten shelf
So unless you allow me to come down from my resting space
Unless you allow me to at least try to win the race
I will contemplate this unseemly act
Until I know that Love is God and God is Fact
(c)2011 June 28,2011
a.l.madde
