We are the same
We are both saved
Underneath the sycamore
We were both broken in our own ways
Sifting through the rubble for the wrong things…
(Death Cab for Cutie-“Underneath the Sycamore”; Codes & Keys)
If you have been following from the beginning, I christened my blog “13 Men Working Above”. To illustrate the meaning I correlate with these words, imagine these men portrayed in the visual tableau of the Last Supper, most notably by Da Vinci’s famous painting. The name was inspired on a morning walk after work as I came across a window cleaning company, the sign “13 MEN WORKING ABOVE” painting on one of its barricades.
In that moment, I was in the height of my spiritual awakening. If there were mood journals that could measure how much I believed in God that day, I’d have placed a mark close to 100 percent. But as it is with anything that cannot seem to go any higher, where else is one to go but down?…
Admittedly, I had my fluctuating periods of faith & non-belief. Lately, however, it seems I have reached a nadir. My heart does not feel like my own. What could have happened this past year?
For personal reasons I know now to keep to myself, I was sort of hurt in ways. I was hopeful for things that never came after fervent prayer. I searched for many things. In past years, I know that my own tweets would have prevented me from this self-pity. It is evident that I had placed too much faith in things & people other than God. And even those who did seem to be with God tended to judge. Without seeing the love of Jesus as I had come to believe was the way he would have shared it with others, my faith soon became more jaded.
Almost jaded enough you could make earrings & a bracelet out of me….Kidding aside, I felt where is God? What did I do wrong?…>screech< Halt the breaks for those who have their theories. I have my own suspicions & knowing God, he has an all powerful saving grace. So before you pinpoint what I have done or haven’t done, let’s just say that I have never felt spiritual warfare as intense as this.
Notice the title of this post is “12 Men…” & not “13 Men”. It suggests the Judas of Jesus’ company. Jesus is the CEO of the big company in charge of my life Judas is the Bernie Madoff that sold my soul to benefit the Enemy so that it could take away all that I have loved, believed in, had faith in.
All that I wanted to have mended has yet to be mended. Why? All the suffering that I prayed would end for some people still continue. Why? All the things I wanted to change within me & asked for help to do so has yet to come to fruition. Why?
So many unanswered prayers. So much wasted time trying to figure out if God is there really, looking at his calendar only to have a conference meeting with Jesus & his men to reconvene on how my life is supposed to change.
For what is a life if you no longer know what you’re living for?
