13 Men Working Above

Solitude suggests a voluntary period of being alone during a time when one seeks to be far from others. I t may be a time required to reflect on regrets, mistakes, memories, or the planning of lifelong dreams. Or simply, it is a time of rest-a time to recenter oneself to the world, or even God or a sense of a Higher Plane. Solitude suggests a period to improve oneself, a positive time for growth, and can end with great effects when solitude is used productively.

The heartbroken, however, experience a different sense of isolation brought on by a much different motive or cause, usually involuntarily or accidentally walked into like one does into a pile of dog excrement. No one wants to be in it, but often one finds himself suddenly stuck in it.

Alienation is this type of isolation. Its by products result in more negative connotations of what being alone  can offer.  It can be caused by just being oneself to the chagrin of the more “normal” crowd that sometimes society forces us to follow.  It can be caused by the mistakes made that no one forgives. It can be brought by simply staying who we are never changing in a world always in flux.  It can result from distorted perceptions of reality suddenly stripped of their illusions leaving a skeleton of uncertainty, confusion, and ambiguity of how to relate to the world and the people who live in it. It is caused when the constellations slowly disappear from our sky, each star once an old friend suddenly fallen from grace. And soon our sky offers no means of which to navigate our world.  Without a mirror, we know not who we are or who we are becoming. Through others, we get a sense of the person that is within us. If people consistently reflect a negative image, one wonders if we too project the same attitude…But what if we have consistently been so kind and still continue to have thrown back at us a message that is inconsistent with our self-image of being a good person?

The absence of good people in one’s life removes the needle required in our compass that helps direct our lives.

Break down the first four letters of alienation and you have the word alien.  When solitude moves into alienation, one cannot help but feel a little removed from the planet from which he or she was “alleged” born. Too often, I have felt like a being that is a stranger to earth’s ways.  Though I have pined for this feeling to wane & hoped it to disappear, its intensity has grown as I grow older. Alienation is like living in limbo that requires pretending as though I live like everybody else, while yearning to have what everyone has & can become in comparison to my inability to do this.

So what secret must be unlocked to rescue oneself from the inevitable abyss alienation builds its tunnels towards? Tis wonderful when I am able to find others who experience this similar sad expression of not fitting in, but I know it is not healthy to be a permanent resident in this type of neighborhood inhabited by the following:

               The Desperation and Depression Siblings

                The Self-loathing and Self Reproach Twins

               The Overly Critical Inner Voice

All these is like an emasculation of the male traits I felt I once possessed-strength, but equally afforded to very confident women, that of which I seem to be slowly falling from the ranks. It is the push that rushes childhood by making me think in ways other children never did, while tempting to escape by recreating a better childhood in my adult years thereby being stuck in arrested development.

For some, such desperation calls youth to grow so fast to the point of hopelessness that they resort to an act that puts an end to any further growth at all. For people of faith, this alienation is the shift that brings them regularly to the feet of God. Non-believers may use this as proof against the existence of Heaven while Hell is the reality they live daily.  

I have tasted moments of hope but only briefly in times of innocence. As soon as we grow older, I notice that our basest instincts take over and often super cede what honest and good people are called to do.  At least, this is my assessment of today’s society, one which is so technologically advanced, that we are able to expand how we encounter and meet one another. Facebook has opened Pandora’s box of almost reading the minds of others and what they think of us by how they interact with our profiles online.  Twitter, just as expansive, connects us to strangers all over the world sharing in moments as small as a concert, watching a tv show, or meeting up with people who share the same interests that we normally could not share with those who know us personally.

But missing from some of these interactions, it seems to be, are deep conversations, such that I long for such communication and when I engage in such talk I tend to only do the opposite of what I intended-to eliminate alienation only to create it more. (Just as this post may be doing as you read this.) At the same time, I have obsessions that most people cannot understand why they mean so much to me.  My awareness has grown so keen that I feel as though people see me as naive and childish and as a result overlook me or count me out as not being able to take things seriously.

What now? What do I do with the raw material with which genetics has burdened me? I have laid out short term plans and long term goals and yet no sign from a God that he’s on my side. I have tried hard to continue to believe in His promises, but right now all I want is to feel good about my place in this world, myself, and other people. In the process of trying to figure things out, I feel I have lost respect from others as this thinking has clouded my intellect and my usual ability to process information. To some, I may be clueless or even stupid…At this point, I do not care. Well, not too much anyway. 

In this alienation, I run the risk of feeling I am not being valued by those I’ve valued so dearly. And because of this, I fall into the trap of doing the same to others who do not deserve it or cannot comprehend my reasons for why I feel this way.  I have come to the understanding that even in spite of how much we want understanding about how we feel, we cannot force or possibly expect another human being to actually feel the intensity of emotions and problems in the same way we do. We were all born with different sets of experiences and circumstances that affect our world view. And often, each individual’s past will color life’s canvas in different ways like different artists such as Picasso, Renoir, and van Gogh have conveyed their world views through art.

It is imperative not to live in this state of alienation too long because it can change you into a person you yourself once hated or tried to avoid.  I do not want to be an aimless wanderer with no stars in my sky as I drift without direction, my compass without a needle fooling me to go one way when I should go another.  I drift further into the middle of a deep ocean that becomes deeper and deeper in its threat to pull me under, the windless air like the lack of validation to fill my sails to move my boat to safe shores.

One would call this being needy. I call it being  human. We have that basic human need to connect with people, at least to some degree. There are some who are born without this need (ie., autistic spectrum disorder). Though I have debated about my need for human contact, since I do not regularly initiate it, I do enjoy the comfort of knowing that I can be reflected in another’s life knowing that I am not alone.

Recalling a line from the TV show Parks and Recreation by Leslie Knope, I believe this to be true: YOU CAN’T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING ALONE!”

Yes it’s possible to do it, but the drive to continue when things go wrong or obstacles come one’s way is ever more challenging without friends, family, a partner, or spouse to support you along the way. To conclude, I write the following from the same TV show aforementioned by the character RON SWANSON:

We didn’t volunteer to help you because we wanted to wrap ourselves in personal glory. We did it because we care about you. You had a dream, and we wanted to support your dream. That’s what you do when you care about someone. You support them win, lose, or draw.”

I only wish I had Ron’s conviction to one day make my dreams come true!

-(c) 2012 May 16-a. l. madde

I always feel that after a long hiatus from this blog, I need to reiterate the origin of the title of my blog: 13 Men Working Above…Generally, it had a religious connotation, that of the Last Supper..yada yada yada…Can you tell where my heart has been lately in the mix of it all?

I have had the bread and wine…and yet I feel my faith is being tested. That the symbolism of the so called body & blood of Christ in the Liturgy of the Eucharist comes into question when we as a congregation simply walk down the center aisle like the walking dead…Where’s the Christian love and support I hear and have read so much about?

Perhaps it’s my self-diagnosed Asperger’s which has prevented me from opening hearts of others in a more natural fashion as “neurotypicals” usually manage to do.  An embrace is something calculated and often analyzed in my mind, whereas its a simple gesture hardly a thought given to the moment.  I could be wrong, however, as the lasting impression of an embrace could represent affection in itself but is self-understood without deliberation.

I have been born with a name that suggests the word “analysis.” And so, living up to my namesake, I come to this point of analyzing the real value of this blog…What good has it done me? Did I use it as a forum to publicize controversial views about which my Christian brothers & sisters would debate? Have I raised a questioning eyebrow as to where my loyalties fall under-believer, non-believer, agnostic, or atheist?

Lately, my faith has been in flux. I haven’t really been truly devoted as I once was with my quoting scriptures and committing several to memory.  In the last few years including recent events, I have wondered about the Man Upstairs. Blasphemous as this may be to some, it is my creative way of dealing with my doubts.

Granted, I always look for proof and evidence that would lead me back to belief, and yet once again barriers overshadow the once bright Light that use to shine on coincidences and signs I would often interpret as divine text messages.  Nowadays, the access to a close relationship with God has been as frustrated as using Siri technology to call a friend.  It’s easy to ignore both when they no longer seem to work for you.

Where does this leave me?  I know that in the past I had been over zealous with my pronouncements of what God can do and has done for me. Time is the enemy of memory, the farther it separates us from the moments of grace & mercy the sooner we forget what God has done to help us.

Judging by this last statement, perhaps I give my fellow worried brothers and sisters a mustard seed of renewed faith. Several times, I have used my packet of seeds only to see the fruit die  because I had been wayward in my focus. Too often, however, the mainstream culture pulls all of us in & we forget to center ourselves in the most spiritual and necessary way.

I must add, however, that I am not without my own interests that hard core Christians would urge that I remove them from my life.  If you follow me on Twitter, my supporters will know what my interests are.  Yes, I am aware of the commandments, including we shall have no other gods but the Almighty…But it can be also said, that God can speak in the most unexpected ways.

Music, first and foremost, was a calming influence in my life. It helped me make sense of the world, my feelings. I was not the most verbal, being that growing up I had no one to play with or talk to. Later, I developed my talents in drawing, again something I could do as an individual, my imagination starting to expand.  In first grade, I was introduced to the joy of writing stories but was crushed in high school by a Snape like teacher who to this day I know meant well but has given me the drive to become a writer.

To be a writer seems to be calling me again. It is my new friend that has helped me make sense of this sometimes crazy and unbalanced and unfair world. In studying stories that I have come to appreciate, particularly found in Tolkien & Rowling, as well as thought provoking films and science fiction that reawakens the meaning of humanity, I see the value of the written word.

Ironic how the written word is also associate with things of religion, better known as the Bible. So many arguments and wars throughout history have been based on this book, and The Word. I am not a religious historian or literary critic, but with all intents and purposes, I know one thing - it was not meant to hurt; it was not meant to alienate; it was not meant to persecute.  If anything, it was meant to teach; it was meant to guide; it was meant to demonstrate love as Jesus showed his love.

I may not have all the tenets of the bible correct, nor do I understand other religious texts.  How can I judge one to be wrong or right?  That, I admit, is a power solely owned by God. 

And in closing that last short paragraph with “God” with the belief that He does exist, I have hope that at least I see positivity in the negativity of doubt. I know I’ll be able to believe again, once my vision is no longer blinded by selfishness, hurt, and pride.

To believe or not to believe?

I wrote the following on the day that marks the beginning of the 2012 Lenten season. This is popularly known as Ash Wednesday.  If  you have rad this far, you’re either a fellow Jesus follower or even better, rather open minded unlike some other people out there. Knowing there are such people is refreshing.  If you decide to go past this paragraph, I will try not to proselytize. My attempt here is strictly personal reflection and by no means is meant to convert the unconverted or non-believer. In fact, this is actually an exercise to speak to the unbeliever within myself.  Should I alienate some readers, I apologize.  All I ask from you is what most film directors ask from their audience - to suspend disbelief temporarily and then resume reality once the message has been conveyed.

        And now, on with the show…

—————————————————————————————————————

My left shoulder hurts! It has hurt since Tuesday morning! How long does this pain last? 

Recently, I got a vaccine and in the end I’m supposed to benefit from the discomfort. A concrete example of suffering in general, to which I repeat the question above, “How long is the pain supposed to last?”  

During this new Lenten year, I find myself once again making loose associations to my current situation and Jesus’ own passion on the cross.  I’m at a point again where my belief in a “savior” is being tested. Forgive me if my quotational reference appears blasphemous or a sign of a doubter. I’m only human, one who long for what can be seen & felt. I’m your typical Doubting Thomas.

It appears presumptuous to compare Jesus’ agony with my shoulder pain, but for comparison purposes let’s say the pain at the shoulder site lasts for 2 to 3 days.  Through this sacrifice, not only do I benefit but so do others by protecting myself from spreading infection. To take this to a whole other level, let’s say Jesus is a vaccine yet he himself had to suffer so that we did not. His pain lasted for several hours only to rise after 3 days. This so called symbolic event is what I have come to believe as the root of  the Christian faith. The ultimate love he showed in dying for us has become to me the center of what example I must strive to follow. Pure faith in Christ’s death and resurrection may be considered the vaccine to our souls, the one that protects our salvation. 

I admit, it is a bit of a stretch to connect Jesus’ self-sacrifice with the so called sacrifice of a mere injection. My shoulder has never carried a cross so heavy as the one Jesus had to bear. It puts into perspective all the other times I’ve complained about things, almost diminishing the harsh realities other people face by forgetting about those without food, shelter, money, family or friends. Staying so self-focused on my problems, I diminish the suffering of those who deal with loneliness, depression, self-harming, terminal illness, poverty, abuse, prejudice.

I’m not saying you should be ashamed about the act of complaining. However, I rephrase a Harry Potter:

ORIGINAL: IT DOES NOT DO TO DWELL ON DREAMS AND FORGET TO LIVE.

       REWORKED: IT DOES NOT DO TO DWELL ON WHAT WE HAVE NOT AND FORGET                  WHAT WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH.

Sometimes our eyes see through a lens of hurt or injustice and we become blind, unable to see the reasons why we go through the perceived pain of suffering.  We may act in ways we may regret or uncharacteristic of who we really are. Instead, we must look to one another and realize *[we] do not know what [we] do (*Luke 23:34) until we have had more time to understand one another - one another’s crosses if you will.

Many of you free thinkers will think my view naive or idealistic, my supplications archaic in a world more sophisticated and contrary to what you have known as bible thumpers or dangerous zealots. If your view of faith is based on these people, they misrepresent the heart of what Jesus, as I have come to know him, represents.         

The argument against God has been the existence or the problem of evil. Why are we so fast to believe in the non-existence of God & not consider the devil as a real entity in these circumstances, other than entertainment fodder so often used in horror and suspense thrillers? Has there been a lack of experiences or background that would defend God? Do you who prescribe to this notion of a world without God not often cry why must life be so crappy?

Believe me, we believers have our seasons too, even Jesus on the cross pleaded, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt 15:34)

Here we finally see Jesus’ humanity exposed, a vulnerability close to the end of his life.  If not for anything to a believer as myself who often questions God’s existence from time to time, this serendipitous reminder makes me feel less alone knowing that someone entrusted by God with a superhuman responsibility to save the world could feel doubt and rejection. This is only as convincing to the person willing to surrender his life to God, knowing everything else he has tried has only disappointed him or her. Keep in mind that Jesus’ cry on the cross is similar to Psalm 22, which recalls the cry of Israel and all the innocent people who suffer.   

Death on the cross can be also a symbol of death of our human nature and a transitioning period before the rebirth of our soul, foreshadowed by the Christian belief of the Resurrection.  

Do we hinder ourselves from experiencing God by not dying to ourselves and give our lives to Him? The need to surrender seems like a key aspect of faith, as alluded to Jesus’ last words on the cross:

“Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit!” (Luke 23:46)

So far, you may have the impression that I’m highly religious & a devout Christian/Catholic. I am at best a questioning Catholic, often considered heresy among staunch believers. I do believe God gave us complicated minds and expects us to challenge the world we live in. Here lies my personal confusion inspired by theological questions raised by someone after reading the newspaper about issues that raises religious and ethical queries. 

“Why does God allow problems or situations that are in contradiction to   His law and further upheld by those  who represent Him?”

 [I won’t go into the whole infallibility of the Pope, which is too controversial for me]

I do not understand myself and I do not have a mind of a deity. Sometimes, my brain feels like not believing cause it makes more sense not to believe. It is hard to disprove God’s existence based on my own experiences. The difficult part is that such experiences are usually far apart and few, I forget that God gives a periods of waiting in the desert to strengthen my soul & self-reliance with the hope that I will realize what God is trying to do for me through my moments of trials, however brief or long they may last.

Organized religion concentrates or uses a great example of a life such as Jesus and turns it into a mandate of a list of rules that almost seems a bit controlling. It turns a once beautiful and pure human being into a symbol of a so called not so hidden secret society that non-believers tend to distrust because of the ways religion has used it tenets throughout history. How does one explain the practice of using the principles of faith to oppress society, a minority or a majority. When we become fanatical over content versus the quality of faith, it is time to reflect and return to basics.

Perhaps Ash Wednesday will be a beginning of my journey back to basics. It will teach me life lessons. I will learn how to survive in the middle of the dryness of the desert. It has been a very dry spell these last few years. One might say every year and every day is like Lent, a daily reminder of Jesus’ dark Passion. 

Remembering the scourging of Jesus, I recall the physical torment he endured. In the mystery known as “The Agony in the Garden”, I’m reminded of how even Jesus was nearly tempted to give up God’s plan for him, almost a psychological suicide of sorts and yet he did not give in! 

Yes, it is funny how just the mere act of getting vaccinated and the pain that goes along with it can inspire the above thoughts. Physically, we can suffer from being tired and even lazy because there seems nothing to motivate us or nothing for us to look forward to. Psychologically, we can suffer on other levels that challenge our will to live one more day.

Believe in Jesus. Don’t believe in Jesus. If you get anything from this, consider Jesus as an example of the human condition with a close connection with God. He knows what pain feels like. If you never read up on him, that’s fine. I have written this partly as a dialogue to myself to help reawaken my faith, which frequently has slipped away from me.

If I have sparked a new interest in at least the humanity of Jesus, I am happy.

God bless. If you do not believe in God, may Goodness direct your decisions and your life. Let no judgements come between believers or non-believers. Let no one ridicule the other for what they have felt true in their lives. Let us simply be open minded to one another, for we carry all carry invisible crosses. 

————————————————————————————————————-

I end with a song lyric from actor/singer Lukas Haas “We’re All the Same”:

“We’re are all the same/Why do we tear ourselves apart?/

We all feel pain/Cause we’re all the same”

The following list correlates to the last paragraph of the last post mainly a pairing of positives & what may be considered their by said group their opposition as mentioned in TV, film, books, and society in general. It is an attempt to show that we are fighting against opposing forces & though they may outnumber us, we can overcome them.

1. Doctor Who-The Daleks; The Silence
2. Harry Potter- Deatheaters;Dementors
3. Superman-kryptonite
3. Children-monsters;bogeyman
4. Religious-demons;ghosts;jinn
5. Activists-injustices of all kinds
6. HealthCare-diseases;disorders
7. Good -Evil

It’s a strange list I know but may make a little sense in the context of the last paragraph in previous post. Unfortunately my thumb was tap happy & posted prematurely

To refresh the followers this blog or any ones that might question the title “13 Men Working Above,” think of it as a reference to a real-life tableau of the Last Supper. It hovers over you and every little action done by others, directly and indirectly, that affect you. It is like an invisible board room in which usually you hope the chairman is always present, unless the one out to get him wants to thwart the committee’s plans.

If we consider today’s boardroom agenda in terms of fiscal status, one might say that the company’s business is in jeopardy of folding, unless the business of managing what is my life is restructured.

Lately, it seems among the board members, more ugliness is festering & a culture of harshness is taking over. The general vibe is one in which the chairman has been replaced with his betrayer, one who sells him out for a better deal. The end result is a boardroom full of deceivers & thieves, while this time the odd man out is the so called “good guy.”

In movie terms, imagine “Its A Wonderful Life” & that the seats of our imaginary Last Supper are now filled with Mr. Potters outnumbering one, honorable man named George Bailey.

What would you do? Give up your rightful position at the head of the table? If not careful, & the spirit of George Bailey is forgotten, corruption takes over and all his lost.

I spoke to friend in a spontaneous heart-to-heart manner & asked what was her favorite verse of the Bible. She responded that the psalms are great because they help her through the hardest times. Through them, they allowed her to pray through her trials and forgive those who hurt her.

Lately it feels that there are moments where I sense levels of agitation circling about me in certain places & with certain people. Often, I have no choice but to bear with it. Other times, I have the luxury to avoid it. It would be nicer not to feel inconvenienced by its arrival nor worry about its presence with a level maturity I find I’ve yet to develop.

I feel a general unease!It’s easy to rearrange the furniture in the room so energy is balanced according to feng shui principles. How do you rearrange the world & its way of treating one another? Or the way people think of one another? I’m not suggesting a bland nor saccharine utopia. Simply a reawakening of general concern for others.

Maybe I’m guilty of neglecting this proposal, a result perhaps of my own misconceptions of how others view me. But a wise person told me to not worry what others think.

You cannot adjust others’ behaviors until you adjust your own. Strangely, when preventing society to become anything, we may end up creating it in some alternate form ( eg Orwell’s 1984 & policing social network usage).

On a personal level,entwined with its own irony,is that through my own dissatisfaction & mild contempt at the status of how things have been going, fuels the following things I’m trying hard to end the anger and stress the anxiety the uneasiness paranoia irritability the rage the inpatients and the depression they hate the confusion complacency

Technology has had me become more disconnected & connected with my feelings simultaneously. Lacking the interrelatedness I seek with others in a socially popular form in the real world, I feign popularity through other avenues, mostly virtual. Mostly temporal. Mostly dead ends.

Once the brick wall proved itself to be a dead end of false hopes & dreams unfulfilled, I found myself in a more of great self-doubt & questionable self-worth…

Arguments against the failure of computer networking, I have found a great family-a term we use in an endearing way to emphasize our surreal
bond with strangers met on Twitter primarily.

As a result, Twitter has set me I stone & in blood & even in tears as a die hard Parafan or a Potterhead. On the fringes, are the unknown artists sculpting their works of art, be it films, books, or music. All of these thugs have given me comfort growing up & as I still try to grow up into what I call the ultimate cross road.

There comes a time when one loses patience with life, a particular way of life. An aching starts in the center of Ye heart then permeates throughout the body until it grows tired every day despite 6-8 hours sleep. Until it grows irritable at people’s trivial habits that once never mattered…

It is in that moment one realizes she is living an unsatisfactory life. It can be said I have always been self-aware & deeply introspective, others confusing these traits with either lack of intelligence or possessing anything worthy of speech. If I could physically have a tete a tete w/ myself & say,

“I know how things have been for us. We need to make drastic changes before you start to fade away, forgotten in time. We don’t have to be immortalized at our deaths. We just need to be able to close our eyes when the time comes for that moment to be able to say ‘I have completed my God given purpose. Let me now die a happy person knowing I have touched at least one other person’”

And back to square one: It seems a bit self serving to seek recognition. One must think how God -at least those believing in One-allows His walking creations to curse Him or disregard His blessings. I know I’d want to kick some ass-“Hello?! Remember me? Pow!”

Ok, so not the most productive approach, but of course I’m human & God has Superhuman Tolerance. I guess I’m at the point of having Zero Tolerance -with myself; the bullies that still live beyond high school; the state of the world in general!

But coming from a family dynamic that warns of dreaming & aiming too high, I’ve settled where I’ve been…until now!

And a part of me, the morbid side that exists more than most ppl want to believe, has the conviction that I only have a short time to get my dreams past the stratosphere.!