13 Men Working Above

The above image is from Switzerland. I was lucky enough 9 years ago to be able to see this up close and personal. Believe me, you’d want to see this for yourself. This picture doesn’t do it justice. When you see the image of the massive lion carved in stone wall, you’ll be moved to tears & empathize with its weeping. It is as though the man made lake below is the result of all the tears the lion has cried.

I have been this lion for a while. I have learned to balance myself on a fence. The situation can best be summarized by the opening lyrics to Dinner & a Suit’s

            “Where We Started”: WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME TO SAY THE WRONG THING

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I’ll brief coz I should be sleeping right now…

The Tofu Years describes how my first phase of life has become to be known as a piece of tofu, a bland food staple like a blank canvas that comes alive once colored by the flavors of other foods that it surrounds it.  Lately, life has been that piece of tofu-a struggle to always having to blend in to the point of almost disappearing save for it’s unique texture.

On the positive side, tofu is very versatile, lending itself to become malleable to the different ways that it can be prepared. In that, it has it’s strengths.

Outside of this metaphor, I realize now that I have for so long tried to fit in & be invisible at the same time appreciating my inner strengths that make me useful. 

I wonder what will the next phase be like? 

How would you describe the most recent years of your life?

THE FOLLOWING WAS WRITTEN DURING THE SUMMER OF MY “DISCONTENT” IF YOU WILL. THE TONE IS SOMBER & BITTER, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I FEEL NOW, FILLED WITH PROMISE & HOPE…I SHARE THE FOLLOWING ONLY TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE EACH HAVE OUR STORMY NIGHTS BUT WE MUST ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO THE MORNING THAT PROMISES LIGHT & SHELTER….STAY TUNED FOR MORE DETAILS REGARDING MY SUDDEN ABOUT FACE FROM HUGE DOUBT TO A GRAIN OF FAITH ABLE TO MOVE MOUNTAINS :)

GOD: Fact or Fiction

To whomever finds this:

If you are my family, I am sorry.

If you were a friend, I am sorry.

If you ever wanted to know who I was but I was too scared to let you in,

I am sorry.

Because this is how my life has been

Numb inside

Cry inside

No one will know the fears I hide

Hurting

Aching

No body will know the power of ignoring

Simply wanted to fit into your expectations

Wanted to belong into your idealizations

Of who I knew I could never be

The real person you’ll never get to see

I had big dreams

I had big hopes

But I always heard “NO”

“Don’t aim high” is what I was taught

Forced to stay in a nest

So high on top the highest tree I rest

Never learned to spread my wings

Tragic as a bird that never sings

Tried on God for size

Jesus at my right hand side

Now when I needed them desperately

I feel abandoned & more than lonely

Ready to say goodbye now

Unless you can argue

That I am worthy enough

To live MY life, and not for you

All my living years were built on compromises

My inability to risk it all based on honor & culture as disguises

I’m now tired of it all

Want to end it all

Unless you can stop me

Unless you can love me

The way I was meant to be loved

The words that I’ve heard

The words that I’ve read

Most have been harsh, critical, & judgmental

I’m not saying anything specific

Just saying my life has been non-distinct

What have I done

What have I accomplished

What good have I offered

To the needy or impoverished

For I am one of these people

And I thought by giving hope

I’d heal myself

Only to find life has a cruel way

Of putting old useless things on a forgotten shelf

So unless you allow me to come down from my resting space

Unless you allow me to at least try to win the race

I will contemplate this unseemly act

Until I know that Love is God and God is Fact

(c)2011 June 28,2011

a.l.madde

We are the same

We are both saved

Underneath the sycamore

We were both broken in our own ways

Sifting through the rubble for the wrong things…

(Death Cab for Cutie-“Underneath the Sycamore”; Codes & Keys)

If you have been following from the beginning, I christened my blog “13 Men Working Above”. To illustrate the meaning I correlate with these words, imagine these men portrayed in the visual tableau of the Last Supper, most notably by Da Vinci’s famous painting. The name was inspired on a morning walk after work as I came across a window cleaning company, the sign “13 MEN WORKING ABOVE” painting on one of its barricades.

In that moment, I was in the height of my spiritual awakening. If there were mood journals that could measure how much I believed in God that day, I’d have placed a mark close to 100 percent.  But as it is with anything that cannot seem to go any higher, where else is one to go but down?…

Admittedly, I had my fluctuating periods of faith & non-belief. Lately, however, it seems I have reached a nadir. My heart does not feel like my own. What could have happened this past year?

For personal reasons I know now to keep to myself, I was sort of hurt in ways. I was hopeful for things that never came after fervent prayer. I searched for many things. In past years, I know that my own tweets would have prevented me from this self-pity. It is evident that I had placed too much faith in things & people other than God. And even those who did seem to be with God tended to judge. Without seeing the love of Jesus as I had come to believe was the way he would have shared it with others, my faith soon became more jaded.

Almost jaded enough you could make earrings & a bracelet out of me….Kidding aside, I felt where is God? What did I do wrong?…>screech< Halt the breaks for those who have their theories. I have my own suspicions & knowing God, he has an all powerful saving grace. So before you pinpoint what I have done or haven’t done, let’s just say that I have never felt spiritual warfare as intense as this.

Notice the title of this post is “12 Men…” & not “13 Men”. It suggests the Judas of Jesus’ company. Jesus is the CEO of the big company in charge of my life Judas is the Bernie Madoff that sold my soul to benefit the Enemy so that it could take away all that I have loved, believed in, had faith in.

All that I wanted to have mended has yet to be mended. Why? All the suffering that I prayed would end for some people still continue. Why? All the things I wanted to change within me & asked for help to do so has yet to come to fruition. Why?

So many unanswered prayers. So much wasted time trying to figure out if God is there really, looking at his calendar only to have a conference meeting with Jesus & his men to reconvene on how my life is supposed to change.

For what is a life if you no longer know what you’re living for?

No, as the title suggests, I myself did not get married. However, a very good friend of mine did. All the preparation from fittings, bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, to hair & make up, to the final ceremony & reception has led me exhausted in a positive way.

In the events leading up to the momentous occasion, I’d have to say I had my own “Bridesmaids” moment. Though I was not like Kristen Wiig’s character as the maid of honor with the worst luck, I did experience that same sense of loss of losing one’s dear friend. But as they say, if you really care for someone, you let someone grow into the person they need to become & have them share that growth with others & be happy. In this case, she has found a wonderful young man to continue that journey :)

We all must go through major changes. Although there may have been some minor hiccups here & there, in the end we look toward the positive outcome that results in planning big events that create certain milestones in our waking lives.

Sometimes, these events magnify the parts of ourselves that we too hope to one day become filled with joy & brim with optimism. There are many colors of the spectrum life has to offer. The last 4th of July holiday has redeemed all the other holidays that often have a tinge of a certain sadness & loss. Of things of what once was. This time, being a part of my friend’s wedding opened my eyes to the brighter side of life. 

Thank you (you know who you are-wink wink). And congratulations :)

Have you ever experienced something similar?